10. New seats would require everyone to have the same size butt.
9. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas (tm).
8. The U.S. Government would be GETTING subsidies from an automaker.
7. The oil, alternator, gas, and engine warning light would be replaced by a single "General Car Fault" warning light.
6. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was solar-powered, twice as reliable, five times as fast, but would only run on 5% of the roads.
5. You would constantly be pressured to upgrade your car. (WAIT - it's that way NOW!)
4. You could only have one person in your car at a time, unless you bought Car '95 or Car NT; but then, you'd have to buy more seats.
3. Occasionally, your car would just die for no reason, and you would have to restart it. For some strange reason, you would just accept this as normal.
2. Every time the lines on the road were repainted, you'd have to buy a new car.
1. People would get excited about the new features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other brands for years. (Hmmmm...)
The funny thing is that the Stones' tune they are using, Start Me Up, is being used to tout the Start menu in Win95, one of the things most blantanly copied from the Mac OS (Apple and Application menus).
But it's an appropriate tune. In another month they'll be singing the rest of the song: "...You make a grown man cry..."
Trevor Inkpen's (Quill Services Ltd. Victoria B.C. Canada, quill@amtsgi.bc.ca) Top Nine Other Songs for Mr. Bill:
9) Bill's album pick: "Made in the Shade"
8) Bill Gate's message to the world: "Under My Thumb"
7) For those with only 8 Mb RAM: "(I can't get no) Satisfaction"
6) For those with 486's: "Time Is On My Side"
5) For those with existing non-Plug'n'Play hardware: "19th Nervous Breakdown"
4) For Win95 support staff: "Sympathy for the Devil"
3) After 2 months on the support line: "Emotional Rescue"
2) For those who would rather use NeXTStep: "Paint it Black"
And the Number One Other Song for Mr. Bill:
1) For everybody who buys Win95: "You Can't Always Get What You Want"
After hearing that REM rejected the MS offer to buy a song for ad purposes, it came to me that it might have been:
LOSING MY CONNECTION by Alan Zacher
to the tune of Losing My Religion
(Appologies to REM)
Windoze is bigger
It's bigger than Earth
But not quite as big as
The things that I must do now
To upgrade all my stuff
Oh no I need more RAM
I set it up
That's me in the corner
That's me on the help line
Losing my connection
Trying to keep up with OS/2
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no I need more RAM
I haven't bought enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you Ping!
I think I thought I saw a GPF
Every nightmare
Of velour vest wearing Borg, I'm
Purchasing new hardware
Trying to cool my CPU
Like a Pentium that become a 286
Oh no I need more RAM
Resistance is futile.
Consider this
The OS of the century
Consider this
The OS that brought me
To my knees failed
Now all these open apps have
Come crashing down
Now I need more RAM
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you Ping!
I think I thought I saw a GPF
But that was just a dream
I hope that was a dream...
From: aqtlc@imap1.asu.edu
Organization: Arizona State University
Subject: A sign of Windows 95
My wife got a car sun shade at the local Win 95 launch event and on one side it says:
I was there at the start.
On the other side it says:
I need assistance.
Please Call Police.
The host's response was perfect: "You'll have less trouble with Windows 95 without a computer than with one."
At yesterdays Windows 95 launch event in London after seeing the Bill Gates video addres, Jonathon Ross, who was compere-ing the event, is reported to have told the assembled guests "money can buy you many things, but it does not necessarily buy a decent haircut".
I just got a fax from the Microsoft 'fast tips' automatic support line. The banner said, in big, bold letters:
MICROSOFT
ONE MICROSOFT WAY
I thought, is that their address -- or their marketing plan?
It dawned on me yesterday exactly why Microsoft chose "Start Me Up" instead of all the other possible Stones songs: It's the only one with a title short enough to fit in a filename.